DEAR GOD, 

by: Brianne Jourdin

I will set a scene for you.  It is November; it is cool, about 6 degrees.  There is a slight breeze above in the trees; the leaves that are left are dancing together until they are so tired they fall to the ground.   There is a bench, in the middle of the park.  It is out of place, but it coordinates perfectly with the setting.  On that bench is someone I have been eager to have a conversation with.  I imagine this conversation will be very much; one sided.  I imagine, to me, Gods form is an earthy woman, around 45 young.  She has dirty blonde hair and a powerful face.  She looks much like an “old soul” a beautiful, warm, inviting smile.  I bring her a Chai Latte from Starbucks, because if God knows anything, it’s that a Chai Latte from Starbucks is sent from Heaven.  I sit next to her and we listen to the surroundings for a while.

 "God" I say.  Today I want to spare you the aggravation of answering questions about poverty and hunger; war and hate.  I realize that the human race was given something to shape and our mistakes are our own faults.  Today God, I want to talk to you about something more personal.  I want to discuss the path I am on.

 Dear God, I say... if I had to describe myself, I would say that I am random, chaotic, unorganized and maybe a little crazy, why would you put in my hands such a precious gem?  I fear that I will destroy what she is meant to do. Why God, would you choose to make me experience so much agony in watching my precious child struggle with every detail of life.  She is innocent God, why did you punish her.  In 8 short years she had endured more exertion and suffering than most people do in a lifetime, and I know that times will only get worse.  As she gets older, these other children that you have blessed with proper bodies and brains will grow.  They will make fun of her.  Her friends will turn their backs on her when they discover boys.  She will continue to reach simply for a light switch or a door handle.  She will hang on desperately so not to fall in the toilet or down Mount Everest… I mean the stairs.  Outings for her will be at doctor’s offices and surgery tables; not the soccer field or the gymnastics auditorium.  Why God, did you fail to give her a blessed sense of normalcy?

Why God? Do you need me to see how lucky I am to have my body as functional as possible.  I know God.  I appreciate it God.  I truly do!

God…. she speaks to me...... I don’t understand her.  She speaks again.... I don’t understand. Again and again she tries to use a jumble of sounds to explain what her 7 year old mind is thinking and I just don’t understand.  We will stare deep into each others eyes, connecting with a bonded union that has been 8 years in the making; a union that has touched, inspired and encouraged so many strangers in the world exhausted from finally understanding that she wants a glass of water.

Why God did you punish us? Why do you give me the burning knowledge that it is highly likely that I will see her suffer for many years before I send her back to you; before I am ready.

I imagine now is when an overwhelming sensation of knowledge will transfer from Gods soul to mine.  I will remember that I believe that our souls choose our own destiny.  I believe that our souls chart our lives before we come to earth.  I believe that this is a complex process made up of choices. We must choose our parents, our body structure, our level of education, occupation, children, major challenges and successes, race, culture… the list could go on.  So why would someone choose to be on earth with a disability?  Surely these souls are aware of the troubles that accompany a disability.  A very wise woman once said that only the strongest souls can endure a life with disability.  These are people who are usually more evolved as souls.  These are souls who are the closest to perfection; think about how difficult life is in general on a day to day basis.  Think about how much more difficult life would be with a physical or mental disability.  Only a perfect soul with something to share would choose such life.

 So, now I would turn to God as we stand with our feet slightly lifted off the ground, and I would say thank you God. Thank you for knowing my strength would always shine, thank you for seeing the potential in me.  Thank you for trusting me with one of your greatest creations.  Thank you for blessing me with her.  Thank you for the pillar agonizing moments in my life that helped me to prepare my armour of understanding early in life that there is no answer except that you do what you need to do. Thank you God for the voice to express my gratitude and pride that she is not a burden, but a gift.  Thank you for opening so many ears to listen.  Thank you for allowing me to inspire just one person.  Thank you for the people who taught me about kindness, generosity and integrity.  Thank you God for giving me the power to rise and to shine!!  To stand tall!! To walk by obstacles with a sense of peace and the knowledge that it will all be fine. Thank you God for giving me the ability to find my smile every day.

 I imagine now a wave of harmony flows through my veins and I turn to God… but God is gone.  I turn to sit on the bench… the bench is gone.  Some leaves dance until exhausted and they come to rest at my feet.  I can go in peace.